Transitions into Marriage

What are some reasons that couples cohabitate? They consider it the next step before marriage, and as a marriage replacement. When cohabiting, you do not share: money, your family, your name, and there is no commitment. Men and women see cohabiting differently. Women see it as the next step before marriage. Men take it as the next step instead of going into marriage; a marriage replacement.

When we love someone, sometimes we spend as much time together as possible. What happens when we are young is we are dependent on our family for a lot things, such as making decisions. We grow up and go off on our own into the world and become independent. We start to make decisions for ourselves. Then, we get in a relationship and become interdependent working together. We should learn to not always rely on our families, we can do this, which in turn helps our future relationships.

If you are married, do you and your spouse have separate finances? If you do have separate finances, this could lead to separation of each other. There are different types of couples. Which do you see in your relationship?

            Devitalized: thinking about separation or divorce

            Financially Focused: agree on how to manage money

            Conflicted: unhappy about communication patterns and how they deal with conflict, but are satisfied with leisure activities and parenting of children.

            Traditional: strong in relationship with family and friends, but dissatisfied with communication patterns and sexual relationship

            Balanced: satisfied with activities, sex, children, and communication; yet have financial problems

            Vitalized: couple works through problems together

When you marry your spouse, you do not just marry the individual; you marry into their family as well. Is their family atmosphere positive, negative, or even stressful? In a marriage, we all have roles, rules, and expectations for the life you will live together, and even for your spouse. What are some adjustments that you and your spouse will have within the first month of being married to each other? Perhaps sharing a bed; maybe you like having your distance, or you don’t like to cuddle. How about a bathroom? And what about money? Growing up in our individual families, rules were made, we all played roles, and our parents had expectations. It is just the culture we grew up in, and all families have different cultures.

Before marriage, figure out the roles, rules, and expectations that you want your family to have. 

In some families, marital satisfaction goes down with every child that is born. The marital satisfaction levels out, then after the last child leaves home, it goes back up. Why is that? Well, sometimes the husband can start feeling that he is useless because the wife is tending to the child most of the time. The work load of the wife goes up 64%, and the husbands load goes up 37%. Even both of the spouse experience stress from the new events happening. So how can we avoid these problems? As a couple, assure that you love each other. If your marriage is having difficulties, look back on how you and your spouse fell in love. If you are the wife, look for opportunities to involve the husband with the baby before and after the infant is born. Express your gratitude to your spouse for all that he/she is doing. 

My wonderful parents 

Now marriage satisfaction does not have to go down. I talked with my mother on the matter of this subject. She said, "Dad and I are happy campers. We gave 100% to all seven children (we were not perfect parents, but we did our best). We are enjoying being empty nesters, and we are continually learning to be better than the day before. Like all marriages, it takes effort, work, sacrifice, and charity to have a healthy marriage relationship. You of course see the best in us, and sadly sometimes see us when we need to do better. With all you children gone, we have less contention in the house. Life is pretty easy and peaceful. We really enjoy our time together these days." 

When my mother was in high school, her parents divorced; so when she got married, she knew what she wanted in a marriage. Her and my father talked about the rules, roles, and expectations they want in their family. 

Know that you can make a marriage work, and have a good relationship with your family. From the example my parents have been to me, I know that I can make my future family work. I am so excited to apply what I am learning from this class to my future family.

Preparing for Marriage

What do you want in a spouse? 

When it comes to marriage, we try to marry people who have the same beliefs and values as we do. People who marry that are similar in social and demographic characteristics (like age, race, religion, values, education) are refereed to homogamy. When two people who marry that dissimilar in social and demographic characteristics, it is called heterogamy. 

What attractions do you have to others? How do we get attracted to them? 

A few ways we are attracted to others can be by their appearance, how they express themselves and their emotions, if they are happy, and getting to know them over time. 

Attractiveness does change over time as we get to know each other. For example, say you see someone that looks physically attractive to you. You go on a date and get to know them a little more, and they don't have the same values as you do. Knowing what you do now could change how you view them. 

When we share family and friends, our relationships will be much stronger. Why? Because our family and friends will support our relationship so that it lasts longer. Also, families give pressure when we choose our life partner. When we marry our spouse, we marry into their family as well. When choosing a future spouse, keep in mind that we need to love their family too.

When we go on dates, we need to have our eyes open. We cannot be waiting for our "Cinderella" story to happen, because there really is no perfect person to marry.

Don't think that if you marry the right person then you will have a happy marriage. We can find a right one, but not the one. Do not sit around waiting for someone to come find you, be proactive and see what there is to see. Look for someone that will help you to become a better person. When life gets though in marriage, don't think it has to fall apart because you aren't necessarily happy. Work through the problems together with your spouse, as a team. When we support and help each other, that will make a happy marriage. Just because we don't accept the "Cinderella" story does not mean to just marry anyone. Don't raise the bar for who you marry, and don't think, "He/she is out of my league." 

So, what is the difference between dating and hanging out? When hanging out, that could mean making out to dropout. If you are just hanging out with each other, it could include a group of people. When in a group situation, it can feel like you are competing for the individual's attention. You don't get to open up much and get to know each other. Don't hang out! The definition of dating has changed so much, that we don't really know what it is, or what to expect. When we go on dates, it doesn't mean that we are going to marry the person. A date does not have to be expensive, you can put resources together to not have to really pay for much. Dating should be a step process, not a sliding from step-to-step process. When we are comfortable with people, then we tend to open up more. That makes it possible to know if you like the person as much as you think you do. Go on a variety of activities with people, then start to do more one-on-one to get to know the individual. Determine if marriage would work between the two of you. Don't date exclusively until you are ready for marriage. 

I really like how we compared the following in class:

Men are to: preside, provide, and protect

Dates are to be: planned, paid for, and paired off

When a date is planned, that shows the male takes leadership. If your date isn't going to pay for you, how will he provide? When getting paired off, it is assuring that he will take responsibility for the girl. 

 How can a woman show her nurturing side when going on a date? We discussed in class that she can: listen, smile, make eye contact, and tell him you are having a fun time. The way women comment or react on a date can say a lot.
It doesn't always have to be the guy that asks the girl on a date though. It is hard to ask someone out on a date. So sometimes the girl needs to step up.  

When you start to like someone more and more, don't spend every spare moment or hour together. We were told in class that we should go on two dates a week if you like each other. Enjoy the time you do have together and be satisfied with that. 

Gender & Family Life

What I have learned and gained in insights this week has been amazing to me. 

In our own families, we do things that are different from other families. Some families may put silverware facing up or down in the dishwasher. When we marry, we may have to adjust how we view and/or do certain things. 

My cute nieces and nephews

What I thought was particularly interesting in this week's discussion was realizing that men are more task oriented than women, and how men use their sense of direction. Now women on the other hand use their memory; there was a study on this topic. A woman was put in a room alone, and she was left there for about three minutes. She didn't know that this was the experiment, but she looked around in the room, and touched a few things. She was taken into another room, and told to explain what she could remember from the room. She was very detailed in her descriptions, as to what and where they were located. Next, they put a man in the same room with the same objects. After his three minutes were up, he couldn't describe what he had seen. He referred to objects as "things" not giving them names. 

When men give directions, they use street names, and are very good at using maps. Women, they will refer to buildings and what they recall from their memory. Can you relate to this example? Women have more connections in their bran, making them think of multiple things at once. I have noticed that women like to vent about how their day was, more than men. For men, it is harder to vent because once that "drawer" is shut in their mind, they don't want to recall that memory. 

What makes one a female or a male? It is hard to define gender because society is always changing, but let's talk about it. What do you notice about boys and girls? In class, we discussed that girls are more expressive, passive, cooperative, nurture, and play/interact together socially. Boys are more aggressive, spacial oriented, stronger, protective, and competitive when they play. When you were 8-11 years old, who did you interact with? Well, if you are a girl, then you most likely wanted to please your peers that were girls. They were the ones you interacted with most, generally because as children we don't necessarily think about relationships with the opposite gender. The culture (or units of society) we grew up in has an impact on who we are. When we don't have a good relationship with our family members, we tend to turn to others. 

Possible reasons that some people have same-sex attraction could be from the following. One might struggle with their self-esteem, be bullied, or have their gender identity wounded. They could be hungry for a father or mother. Maybe they got into pornography, or dragged into a situation and didn't know what to do. Really, all these people want is love. From the resources they have, their emotional and spiritual needs are not being met. If they are not getting the love and support they need from their family, they could possibly turn to their same-sex peers. Same-gender attraction people don't necessarily know why they have feelings for their peers of the same sex. Homosexuality is not just because of genetics. There have been studies on twins, and their genetics are 100% alike. You would think that if one twin identifies as gay, then the chance of the other one being identified as gay is high. That isn't necessarily the case. For those people who identify themselves as gay/lesbian, we should still love them for who they are. 

Tradition & Culture

What traditions are in your family? 

Where did those traditions come from?

Traditions are customs/beliefs that generally come from the generations before us.  However, when we have our own families, we can begin our own traditions. 

My family made it a tradition to have apple pancakes on special occasions. We put sour cream on pancakes swimming in apple cider syrup. Yes, it sounds weird with the sour cream, but they are scrumptiously divine! The time we eat these the most are when family comes home for Christmas. My sisters have taken this recipe and shared it with their friends and roommates from college. 

Our society loves the hussel and bussel that Christmas brings every year. In my family, my father started a tradition that before we can open presents, we line up on the stairs youngest to oldest. Traditions are included in culture. What are some traditions that your family does during Christmas?

We also try to plan camping trips as a family. It doesn't happen every year, but we have made it a tradition to camp for a couple of days as a family. Along with camping, the menfolk plan pack trips. It is a tradition that they take their fishing poles and fish in beautiful clear lakes in the mountains. My father always hangs up the American flag on hand sawed tent poles made from the trees. One way to change this tradition is to have the women folk invited on these pack trips; it would give us true wilderness survival skills.

These traditions we have developed have brought out the best in our family. I mean, who doesn't like apple pancakes? There could be a few traditions that could be done away with or improved, but when we get into our own families, we can change that. I have pondered about my family's culture and traditions, and thought of the different things I want to keep and change for my own family. 

The definition of culture is "a social domain that emphasizes the practices, and material expressions, which, over time, express the continuities and discontinuities of social meaning of a life held in common". Cultures help define who we are. Cultures can experience change fast over time, compared to tradition which usually doesn't change.

In my family culture, it is important to know how to cook, sew, can, and grow some of our own food. In today's world, some of these are a lost art. I think our ancestors were very wise, and they knew the value of these skills. In today's culture, everybody runs to the nearest drive-through when they are hungry. Their bodies pay the price, because their bodies are not exposed to the discipline to bend over and dig in the soil. Or stand over a pot and preserve what you have grown on a tree. Instead, our bodies are taking on a lot of impurities and are not fit. Hence, our bodies are not as healthy as our ancestors, because we live in a different culture of instant food, and entertainment instead of working hard in our families to make ends meet. In my own personal life, I value that I know how to pick up a needle and thread, or sit at a sewing machine, and make an article of clothing that is modest. Or darn a pair of socks so that I can make them last a little longer.

From my observations in class this week, I have appreciated my family life at home more. I am grateful for the values and beliefs that my parents taught me. I have brought those values and beliefs with me to college, and will teach them to my future family. Our family experiences could have been different if we had lived somewhere else, that had threats to our family and values.

So think of what you have learned in your culture. What do you want to keep, and what to you want to change or improve? Your posterity will appreciate the time you took to do this.