Divorce & Remarriage

Divorce is an individual decision that will affect your family for the rest of your lives. There are four phases of divorce: recognition, discussions, action, and post-dissolution. 

Recognition is when one spouse, or both, recognize and become aware of a serious problem. The spouses may start to feel dissatisfaction, and question their relationship.
Discussions are where one spouse or both, share their marital problems with one another. This gives them each the opportunity to redefine their relationship.
Action in when a lawyer is secured legally by one spouse to dissolve the marriage.
The last phase is post-dissolution, where both of the spouses accept the fact that the marriage has now ended.

When getting a divorce, there are six stations that occur. Emotional is loss of trust, respect, and affection for the other spouse. The legal part is where the court comes into play, and they bring an end to the marriage. The economic stage has never been easy, because there is the settlement of property. One spouse may feel he or she does not get all the belongings they wanted. With belongings come memories, and the loss of a certain item can be heart breaking. 

There are many reasons for divorce, and here are a few that are related to interpersonal factors. Couples may fight over everything causing conflict. The marriage may end because perhaps feelings and perspectives have changed. A lot of reasons come from complaints; alcohol/drugs, finances, emotional or physical abuse, lack of emotional support, lack of communication, and the number one cause of divorce is infidelity. The co-parental stage is when the parents decide who has custody, visitation rights, and continuing parental responsibilities. The community stage can be hard, because each partner, or just one, leaves their community of friends and relations entering into a new one. They may not be comfortable with the community anymore, because the community might take sides. The last stage is psychic, where the individuals accept the disruption of the relationship, and regain their sense of being an individual, instead of and intimate couple. Change brings feelings of loss and sadness to some degree. 

Divorce has effects on spouses, parents, and the children. For children, they may encounter eating problems and disorders, low self-esteem, physical and emotional health problems, fear about the future, loyalty conflicts, self-blame, and even anger. Divorce tends to be harder on males. When we think about it, in most divorces, children go live with the mother because she is the nurturer. Boys need a male role model in the home, specifically a father. 

The culture we grew up in plays a role into our marriages as well. If parents divorced, then the children may think it is an easy option to get out of problems too. However, that may not always be the case. We do not have to follow the trend of divorce, we can make the family work. 

"Such is the human journey: struggles, challenges, but just enough strawberries to make life worth living. "

When you get married, cleave unto your spouse. The man should not turn to his dude friends, and the woman should not turn to her mother. Do not build your family around the children, because you and your spouse come first. A mother and a father need to work together, then they are able to provide for their children's needs.  

Growing up, we leaned on our parents for support. Now going off on our own, we become independent. When we become independent we learn to fully lean on each other; trust. Because we are willing to lean on each other, we become stronger, and make it to the end. The picture to the right shows two people leaning on each other for support on this ropes course to make it across together. It can be scary at times, but the end result is worth it. 

This is my last blog post for this class. I just want to say how much I have enjoyed this class. I have learned so much, and there are things I have taken away that I am super excited to apply in my life right now, as well as for my future family. To those of you who have been reading my blog posts, I hope you were able to learn and grow. I hope that this information will help you right now, and in times when you need help. I am a firm believer in families, and I know that families are together forever. 

Parenting

All parents are different in their styles of parenting. Compromise might need to take place between parents to discuss matter, and to find common ground that both parents can share. Here is a link to a website that tests what parenting style you have; click here. This may be helpful in understanding how you parent your children. It can be useful and helpful in making those positive changes for you and your children. 

Parenting does not come with a script. The way we have been raised as children and teens plays a part in how we may teach our children. We need parents who children can approach and talk to. What is the purpose of parenting? We need parents who are going to raise a good society, strengthen relationships, educate children, put them in a learning environment, and to protect and prepare children to survive and to thrive in the world they will live in. 

Let's talk about problems. 

Who owns the problem?

 Who is the problem behavior directly affecting? 

Whose goals are being blocked? 

Does the problem involve health, safety, or family values? 

Is the problem one that you can reasonably expect your teen to solve? 

If the child owns the problem, natural consequences may need to take place. Natural consequences are not punishments. An example of a natural consequence could be your child sleeps in, which causes them to miss class, which then affects their grade. This example allows the child to learn from the consequences that follow, because parents are not always going to bail their children out. This child will soon learn that if they keep sleeping in, then their grade in that class will drop. There are three exceptions when it comes to natural consequences. If the natural consequence is too dangerous, too off in the future, and affects others.

If it is the parents own problem, there are three ways to approach a situation/problem. 1) The first is polite requests, because it gives children choices to choose from. Yet, make sure that you give children age and situation appropriate choices to choose from. Don't always walk into the room with your ninja sword in hand, because how you treat your children is how your children will treat you. 2) Use the "I" statement. Say your child keeps leaving his/her bike outside, and it's getting rusty from  weather conditions because it is not being put away in the shed. If polite requests are not getting you anywhere, this is where the "I" statement comes in. In any situation you say, "When you___I feel___because___. I would like___." In the bike situation you would say, "When you leave your bike out, I feel terrible because I did a lot of work to get you that bike for Christmas last year. I would like you to take care of your bike and put it away." This teaches children about natural consequences.  This approach focuses on the problem, and lets the parent tell the child how you feel. 3) Use a firmer statement. We do not want manipulation! We use the logical consequences to parallel them with logical consequences. With logical consequences, as the parent give your child "either, or", "when, then", "if, then", or "when, then" choices to choose from. These are not to be used as bribes, because they lead to a "what's in it for me" attitude. Logical consequences are for example, "Let's come up with a plan for the bike." You are teaching and giving your child a learning experience. Follow up on your children to make sure that agreements are being kept. 

Encourage your children, do not discourage and have negative expectations. Negative expectations can blow a child's self-esteem. Show confidence in your children. Have them build on their strengths, tell them what good they do. If we focus on the bad things, that is what will keep showing up. However,  if we focus on the good, then the good will keep showing up. Learn to value children and teenagers for who they are. As parents, we should stimulate independence by teaching them to do things themselves. Children need to be responsible, respond to problems, and know how to solve them. 

Even if you aren't a parent right now, this information can be very useful in preparing you for parenthood, and helping your children to the best of your abilities. I have enjoyed this week's lessons on parenting because it has shown me how my parents have taught me, and this helped me to know how I want to parent my children for the future.