Communication & Mutual Problem Solving

Communication is the use of language and nonverbal sign to create a shared meaning between two or more people. When we communicate, we are drawing upon what we already now. We place the pieces together from past experiences and familiar situations that we have been in. We are always communicating, either by our words, lack of words, or our expressions. The way others interpret these things say a lot about our feelings, mood, and possibly even relationships. The words we use are only one part of communication, the other part is non-verbal. 

Some non-verbal cues that we do as individuals include the way we dress, our facial expressions, eye behavior, touching, and our tone of voice. We can draw a lot from the tone of a person's voice. Our tones go a long way when sending a message. However, when we text, we don't usually send our texts in full sentences. Yes, we have emoji's, but the receiver can be getting a different message from the text message. Miscommunication happens all the time with texting because we are not able to draw upon any tone. 

We can also misinterpret people by the way they talk, their tone, and non-verbal expressions. Our communication comes in 7% words, 38% tone, and 55% non-verbal. When we communicate to others face to face, our body language, feelings, and tone of voice speak more loudly that when we use words. Listen to your own words to give a clear message, and keep modifying your words until you get your message across.

Gender also affects our interpretations, because as males and females, we can take non-verbal cues differently. Females tend to smile more then males. Smiling is a females way of acknowledging a presence of someone. When males see females smiling at them, they can take it that the female finds him attractive. Women are more sensitive to non-verbal cues, and are more likely to recall them rather than men. With this said, women understand men more than men understand women. But, when we are closer to another person, we're more likely to interpret them better than we would a stranger.

Here is a visual of what sending and receiving a message looks like. Senders may be uncertain of their ideas or feelings. The feelings we intend to communicate may and may not be interpreted the way we want them by the person receiving the message sent. 

We can be confident, but not competent when communicating. What would help us to be better communicators? We can learn and identify our own thoughts, feelings, and words. It is really hard for someone to understand what you are trying to get across when even you don't understand yourself. However, that doesn't mean to just point out yours and other people's problems. I like to put Heavenly Father in on this one. Are you glad that Heavenly Father (God) doesn't point out your problems? He is so patient! He knows we are not perfect, but He does see a lot of potential in us. As individuals, we can be hard on ourselves. Rather, let us focus on the positive things; let people see the good that they do. Point out what you like and appreciate about people. Complementing gives a relationship better appreciation.

Now what about listening? Listening is a powerful tool. There are ways that we can improve our listening skills right now, so let's apply them. 

Look at the person speaking and concentrate on what they are saying, and also watch for non-verbal cues. Resist the temptation of distractions around yourself; noise, internal and external. Internal noise is in our mind. It is when we have multiple things running through our minds that we cannot focus on what is being said. For example, hold your breath for 30 seconds while you're in class listening to a lecture. Well, surprisingly you'll find that you will end up thinking about how you really need a breath. External noise comes from the outer environment such as the sun, and noise around us. 

Control your emotions and do not interrupt until they are done talking. Listen to understand. Hold onto your view long enough to see from where they are coming. It isn't about agreeing or disagreeing, it is all about listening and coming from their point of view, because we all want to be understood. 

Ralph Roughton said, "When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem. Listen! All I ask is that you listen; not talk or do - just hear me."

We can ask questions (after they are done talking) and rephrase to clarify the meaning you are getting from them. Summarize their thoughts.

Autobiographical responses are big obstacles because we like to respond from our own suggestions. We like to advise, probe, interpret, and evaluate. These things can be appropriate when our emotional bank accounts are full, emotion is low, and no tension. The speaker may not be ready to talk about everything. When our emotions are high, we say things that we don't mean.

Now, we practice, practice, practice. Do it every day and you will see progress. 

In a couple setting, nurture each other's dreams one step at a time. Find a dream together.  

To have a satisfying marriage, there needs to be satisfied communication; although it isn't guaranteed. Couples who are satisfied talk about their families and marriage. They talk and discuss their goals and dreams for their future. 

Conflict can have positive and negative consequences on a marriage. It allows one to grow, and increases our awareness of how to become better as individuals. When handling small conflicts, we can then handle larger ones. Once we start to ignore problems, it begins to build up. Learn to forgive one another. Forgiving diminishes anger, depression, and anxiety. Rather than letting it build up, speak your feelings honestly. Don't give the silent treatment. We can never not communicate, and avoiding confronting the problem does not solve anything. Not speaking speaks volumes itself. 

In relationships, do not attack your spouse (or loved one), rather, attack the problem. Don't say, "You are a problem" say, "We have a problem". Keep loving even when there is a fight. So, when there are fights, remember the things you love about your spouse because we want a win-win situation.

To communicate effectively, we must first understand each other. When we do, we gain clarity on issues that are real, and solve problems faster. 

The Family Under Stress

What is the difference between stress and crisis? 

Stress is a type of strain or tension. I like to use the example of a bridge and compare it to stress. A bridge uses strain to stay together. A bridge stays together because it balances the force equally. Stress is not always bad, it can actually be very beneficial. Stress can help give us the push we need to be motivated. Don't let stress bother you; instead, let it strengthen you! We can then relate this bridge to our families. Stress is harder on families internally. The reason being is that feelings come from within us, which determines our body's ability to respond and deal with outside forces. We cannot control all of the things that go on in our lives. However, we can control how we respond to them and define them. 

Perception is our way out of stress; we alter what we think about the situation we are in so we know what is happening. Sometimes how we deal with our experiences can lead to pileup, which can play a part in the next stressor event in our lives. 

Here is a 15 minuet Ted Talk by Kelly McGonigal that we all would benefit from watching to make stress our friend. How we define stress determines whether it is positive or negative. Instead of getting rid of stress, let's get better at dealing with it. Stress makes us social, because the hormone oxytocin urges us to talk to people about how we feel instead of keeping it inside of us. We can handle the challenges that await us in our lives, and we don't have to do it alone. 

Now crisis brings change and sometimes loss, but it brings opportunity with it. When I was two years old, I was climbing on a high chair in my home, and fell breaking my elbow. The closest hospital was one hour away. When we arrived at the hospital, the doctors thought that my parents had abused me. Doctors at hospitals take their clients seriously, especially when they are babies and children. The opportunity that came to me with this crisis was that my father gave me a priesthood blessing. I have more compassion for children and babies that do go into the emergency room because they were being abused. The doctors look out for those who have been abused, so they treat all their patients like that.

Sometimes, crisis is critically needed. Opportunity and danger make up crisis, because where there is risk, there is also opportunity. When we experience crisis, it could be helping us to be effective for the next time something similar happens. 

There are ineffective and effective patterns of coping with internal and external demands. 

Ineffective patterns include the following: 

Denial: when we refuse or reject reality or face a fact. We need to openly admit when there is a problem occurring.

Avoidance: when we avoid confronting and dealing with a stressor. 

Scapegoating: where we focus on uncalled-for levels of aggression and frustration and blame others. 

Effective patterns of coping include the following:

Take responsibility for yourself and your family. Believe in yourself, and your ability to deal with difficult situations. We need to balance self-concern with other-concern, which means not thinking of yourself always. Re-define the meaning of something, which is changing how you look at a certain situation. We can find available resources, such as internal and external. Effective coping means that an individual will achieve a new level of maturity, and the family will attain a new level of intimacy. 

If we do not address our problems, including in our families, then the family system goes down. Let us open up our boundaries when talking about problems. Do not let problems get in the way of your family. Bond with them, and rely on them.  Create that healthy family relationship that you can achieve. 

To close, why do bad things happen to good people? I don't always think that certain things happen by coincidence. I think that it is God helping to prepare us for our future, to be a strength to our families and friends. With God's help, our outcomes can be different. 

Sexual Intimacy & Family Life

What is infidelity? It is just the opposite of faithfulness. We should love our spouses with all of our hearts. We need to be devoted to them when deciding to marry them. There are four types of affairs. 

1. Fantasy Affair - (emotional/detached) This is when we let our thoughts wander. The thoughts we have can lead to our actions. Sometimes, an attached affair can lead to a detached affair. Infidelity starts with a thought, not with adultery. Anything that is a "fantasy" can lead to more serious affairs. 
2. Visual Affair/Pornography - (detached/physical) We should not lust after another person. We need to be careful to not let our eyes wander. 
3. Romantic Affair - (emotional/attached) This is when an individual becomes emotional involved with another person that is not his or her spouse. Do not believe the lies that tell us an ordinary marriage is boring. Not all marriages are going to be Shakespearean love stories. This type of affair will allow us to believe that we can escape the challenges of everyday life, which in reality is not possible because life does eventually catch back up with us. 
4. Sexual Affair - (physical/attached) A sexual affair is when a person is engaged in a sexual affair that is not within the bounds of marriage. Infidelity does not bring one happiness, in return it will bring sourness, anger, and jealousy. 

How do we prevent affairs? 

 1) Being on guard. Have you set boundaries for yourself? Where do you set the line? There is a story of a man who had a daughter that he loved very much; in fact, she was most precious to him. He sent her away on a wagon, and he needed the best driver to get her to the destination safely. There were three drivers that had to prove they were the best pick. The first driver was so good that he was able to drive with the wheels on the edge of the cliff. The second driver was even better and able to drive the wagon with the wheels wobbling along the edge! Well, the third driver drove the wagon as far away from the edge as possible. Who do you think was the best driver? Obviously, driver number three. Why? Because he set his "boundaries" as far from the cliff as possible. He knew that the fathers' daughter was most precious to him. Like driver number three, we need to not only to set our boundaries, but to stay far from the edge. 

2) Being fiercely loyal. When a married individual is not with their spouse, but with another individual of the opposite gender, it can often lead to temptation that leads them to be disloyal to their spouse. For example, are you going to travel in the car with your co-worker of the opposite gender? Why should you not? You could be riding together on a regular basis, which gives you the time to share your own thoughts and feelings with one another about certain things. Our intimate thoughts and feelings should be private conversations between ones spouse. 

3) Controlling our thoughts. When we are faithful to our spouses, we do not let our eyes and thoughts wander. Put your spouse first; give them your time and attention. 

Trust Bank Account

When couples go into a marriage, they enter that marriage with their "bank account" full of trust. If an affair takes place, then it may take time to add deposits since there have been withdrawals. Deposits build and repair relationships, while withdrawals break down and lessen the trust. We make withdrawals when we break promises, are proud or arrogant, give no feedback, hold grudges, and make assumptions to understand. We make deposits when we understand your spouse, keep promises, apologize, forgive, give feedback, set clear expectations, and show kindness and respect. To make up for one withdrawal, we must make five deposits. 

How & What to Teach Children

Don't rely on what the school is going to teach your children about sex. Sit down with your spouse and come up with a plan. Your children will probably be subjected to things you as children were never exposed to. Yes, it can be difficult for children to make sense of everything you tell them. With that said, don't give them all the information they need to know at once. Talk with your spouse about when it is right to tell them. Start young, and build it up as they get older. I feel a lot of the time that adults tell children, "No, no, no, no, no... yes." Sex is not a bad thing, it is a wonderful act of love when done within marriage. Know what you need to tell your children at the right times. Help them to understand why is it good, and why it can be bad. I would also like to add when your child has a question be honest with them, and don't tip toe around the topic. 

I hope this weeks blog was useful, and maybe you can improve certain things that are needed to be worked on. I am not a professional on this subject, but I hope you received some insights from what I have learned. 

Transitions into Marriage

What are some reasons that couples cohabitate? They consider it the next step before marriage, and as a marriage replacement. When cohabiting, you do not share: money, your family, your name, and there is no commitment. Men and women see cohabiting differently. Women see it as the next step before marriage. Men take it as the next step instead of going into marriage; a marriage replacement.

When we love someone, sometimes we spend as much time together as possible. What happens when we are young is we are dependent on our family for a lot things, such as making decisions. We grow up and go off on our own into the world and become independent. We start to make decisions for ourselves. Then, we get in a relationship and become interdependent working together. We should learn to not always rely on our families, we can do this, which in turn helps our future relationships.

If you are married, do you and your spouse have separate finances? If you do have separate finances, this could lead to separation of each other. There are different types of couples. Which do you see in your relationship?

            Devitalized: thinking about separation or divorce

            Financially Focused: agree on how to manage money

            Conflicted: unhappy about communication patterns and how they deal with conflict, but are satisfied with leisure activities and parenting of children.

            Traditional: strong in relationship with family and friends, but dissatisfied with communication patterns and sexual relationship

            Balanced: satisfied with activities, sex, children, and communication; yet have financial problems

            Vitalized: couple works through problems together

When you marry your spouse, you do not just marry the individual; you marry into their family as well. Is their family atmosphere positive, negative, or even stressful? In a marriage, we all have roles, rules, and expectations for the life you will live together, and even for your spouse. What are some adjustments that you and your spouse will have within the first month of being married to each other? Perhaps sharing a bed; maybe you like having your distance, or you don’t like to cuddle. How about a bathroom? And what about money? Growing up in our individual families, rules were made, we all played roles, and our parents had expectations. It is just the culture we grew up in, and all families have different cultures.

Before marriage, figure out the roles, rules, and expectations that you want your family to have. 

In some families, marital satisfaction goes down with every child that is born. The marital satisfaction levels out, then after the last child leaves home, it goes back up. Why is that? Well, sometimes the husband can start feeling that he is useless because the wife is tending to the child most of the time. The work load of the wife goes up 64%, and the husbands load goes up 37%. Even both of the spouse experience stress from the new events happening. So how can we avoid these problems? As a couple, assure that you love each other. If your marriage is having difficulties, look back on how you and your spouse fell in love. If you are the wife, look for opportunities to involve the husband with the baby before and after the infant is born. Express your gratitude to your spouse for all that he/she is doing. 

My wonderful parents 

Now marriage satisfaction does not have to go down. I talked with my mother on the matter of this subject. She said, "Dad and I are happy campers. We gave 100% to all seven children (we were not perfect parents, but we did our best). We are enjoying being empty nesters, and we are continually learning to be better than the day before. Like all marriages, it takes effort, work, sacrifice, and charity to have a healthy marriage relationship. You of course see the best in us, and sadly sometimes see us when we need to do better. With all you children gone, we have less contention in the house. Life is pretty easy and peaceful. We really enjoy our time together these days." 

When my mother was in high school, her parents divorced; so when she got married, she knew what she wanted in a marriage. Her and my father talked about the rules, roles, and expectations they want in their family. 

Know that you can make a marriage work, and have a good relationship with your family. From the example my parents have been to me, I know that I can make my future family work. I am so excited to apply what I am learning from this class to my future family.

Preparing for Marriage

What do you want in a spouse? 

When it comes to marriage, we try to marry people who have the same beliefs and values as we do. People who marry that are similar in social and demographic characteristics (like age, race, religion, values, education) are refereed to homogamy. When two people who marry that dissimilar in social and demographic characteristics, it is called heterogamy. 

What attractions do you have to others? How do we get attracted to them? 

A few ways we are attracted to others can be by their appearance, how they express themselves and their emotions, if they are happy, and getting to know them over time. 

Attractiveness does change over time as we get to know each other. For example, say you see someone that looks physically attractive to you. You go on a date and get to know them a little more, and they don't have the same values as you do. Knowing what you do now could change how you view them. 

When we share family and friends, our relationships will be much stronger. Why? Because our family and friends will support our relationship so that it lasts longer. Also, families give pressure when we choose our life partner. When we marry our spouse, we marry into their family as well. When choosing a future spouse, keep in mind that we need to love their family too.

When we go on dates, we need to have our eyes open. We cannot be waiting for our "Cinderella" story to happen, because there really is no perfect person to marry.

Don't think that if you marry the right person then you will have a happy marriage. We can find a right one, but not the one. Do not sit around waiting for someone to come find you, be proactive and see what there is to see. Look for someone that will help you to become a better person. When life gets though in marriage, don't think it has to fall apart because you aren't necessarily happy. Work through the problems together with your spouse, as a team. When we support and help each other, that will make a happy marriage. Just because we don't accept the "Cinderella" story does not mean to just marry anyone. Don't raise the bar for who you marry, and don't think, "He/she is out of my league." 

So, what is the difference between dating and hanging out? When hanging out, that could mean making out to dropout. If you are just hanging out with each other, it could include a group of people. When in a group situation, it can feel like you are competing for the individual's attention. You don't get to open up much and get to know each other. Don't hang out! The definition of dating has changed so much, that we don't really know what it is, or what to expect. When we go on dates, it doesn't mean that we are going to marry the person. A date does not have to be expensive, you can put resources together to not have to really pay for much. Dating should be a step process, not a sliding from step-to-step process. When we are comfortable with people, then we tend to open up more. That makes it possible to know if you like the person as much as you think you do. Go on a variety of activities with people, then start to do more one-on-one to get to know the individual. Determine if marriage would work between the two of you. Don't date exclusively until you are ready for marriage. 

I really like how we compared the following in class:

Men are to: preside, provide, and protect

Dates are to be: planned, paid for, and paired off

When a date is planned, that shows the male takes leadership. If your date isn't going to pay for you, how will he provide? When getting paired off, it is assuring that he will take responsibility for the girl. 

 How can a woman show her nurturing side when going on a date? We discussed in class that she can: listen, smile, make eye contact, and tell him you are having a fun time. The way women comment or react on a date can say a lot.
It doesn't always have to be the guy that asks the girl on a date though. It is hard to ask someone out on a date. So sometimes the girl needs to step up.  

When you start to like someone more and more, don't spend every spare moment or hour together. We were told in class that we should go on two dates a week if you like each other. Enjoy the time you do have together and be satisfied with that. 

Gender & Family Life

What I have learned and gained in insights this week has been amazing to me. 

In our own families, we do things that are different from other families. Some families may put silverware facing up or down in the dishwasher. When we marry, we may have to adjust how we view and/or do certain things. 

My cute nieces and nephews

What I thought was particularly interesting in this week's discussion was realizing that men are more task oriented than women, and how men use their sense of direction. Now women on the other hand use their memory; there was a study on this topic. A woman was put in a room alone, and she was left there for about three minutes. She didn't know that this was the experiment, but she looked around in the room, and touched a few things. She was taken into another room, and told to explain what she could remember from the room. She was very detailed in her descriptions, as to what and where they were located. Next, they put a man in the same room with the same objects. After his three minutes were up, he couldn't describe what he had seen. He referred to objects as "things" not giving them names. 

When men give directions, they use street names, and are very good at using maps. Women, they will refer to buildings and what they recall from their memory. Can you relate to this example? Women have more connections in their bran, making them think of multiple things at once. I have noticed that women like to vent about how their day was, more than men. For men, it is harder to vent because once that "drawer" is shut in their mind, they don't want to recall that memory. 

What makes one a female or a male? It is hard to define gender because society is always changing, but let's talk about it. What do you notice about boys and girls? In class, we discussed that girls are more expressive, passive, cooperative, nurture, and play/interact together socially. Boys are more aggressive, spacial oriented, stronger, protective, and competitive when they play. When you were 8-11 years old, who did you interact with? Well, if you are a girl, then you most likely wanted to please your peers that were girls. They were the ones you interacted with most, generally because as children we don't necessarily think about relationships with the opposite gender. The culture (or units of society) we grew up in has an impact on who we are. When we don't have a good relationship with our family members, we tend to turn to others. 

Possible reasons that some people have same-sex attraction could be from the following. One might struggle with their self-esteem, be bullied, or have their gender identity wounded. They could be hungry for a father or mother. Maybe they got into pornography, or dragged into a situation and didn't know what to do. Really, all these people want is love. From the resources they have, their emotional and spiritual needs are not being met. If they are not getting the love and support they need from their family, they could possibly turn to their same-sex peers. Same-gender attraction people don't necessarily know why they have feelings for their peers of the same sex. Homosexuality is not just because of genetics. There have been studies on twins, and their genetics are 100% alike. You would think that if one twin identifies as gay, then the chance of the other one being identified as gay is high. That isn't necessarily the case. For those people who identify themselves as gay/lesbian, we should still love them for who they are. 

Tradition & Culture

What traditions are in your family? 

Where did those traditions come from?

Traditions are customs/beliefs that generally come from the generations before us.  However, when we have our own families, we can begin our own traditions. 

My family made it a tradition to have apple pancakes on special occasions. We put sour cream on pancakes swimming in apple cider syrup. Yes, it sounds weird with the sour cream, but they are scrumptiously divine! The time we eat these the most are when family comes home for Christmas. My sisters have taken this recipe and shared it with their friends and roommates from college. 

Our society loves the hussel and bussel that Christmas brings every year. In my family, my father started a tradition that before we can open presents, we line up on the stairs youngest to oldest. Traditions are included in culture. What are some traditions that your family does during Christmas?

We also try to plan camping trips as a family. It doesn't happen every year, but we have made it a tradition to camp for a couple of days as a family. Along with camping, the menfolk plan pack trips. It is a tradition that they take their fishing poles and fish in beautiful clear lakes in the mountains. My father always hangs up the American flag on hand sawed tent poles made from the trees. One way to change this tradition is to have the women folk invited on these pack trips; it would give us true wilderness survival skills.

These traditions we have developed have brought out the best in our family. I mean, who doesn't like apple pancakes? There could be a few traditions that could be done away with or improved, but when we get into our own families, we can change that. I have pondered about my family's culture and traditions, and thought of the different things I want to keep and change for my own family. 

The definition of culture is "a social domain that emphasizes the practices, and material expressions, which, over time, express the continuities and discontinuities of social meaning of a life held in common". Cultures help define who we are. Cultures can experience change fast over time, compared to tradition which usually doesn't change.

In my family culture, it is important to know how to cook, sew, can, and grow some of our own food. In today's world, some of these are a lost art. I think our ancestors were very wise, and they knew the value of these skills. In today's culture, everybody runs to the nearest drive-through when they are hungry. Their bodies pay the price, because their bodies are not exposed to the discipline to bend over and dig in the soil. Or stand over a pot and preserve what you have grown on a tree. Instead, our bodies are taking on a lot of impurities and are not fit. Hence, our bodies are not as healthy as our ancestors, because we live in a different culture of instant food, and entertainment instead of working hard in our families to make ends meet. In my own personal life, I value that I know how to pick up a needle and thread, or sit at a sewing machine, and make an article of clothing that is modest. Or darn a pair of socks so that I can make them last a little longer.

From my observations in class this week, I have appreciated my family life at home more. I am grateful for the values and beliefs that my parents taught me. I have brought those values and beliefs with me to college, and will teach them to my future family. Our family experiences could have been different if we had lived somewhere else, that had threats to our family and values.

So think of what you have learned in your culture. What do you want to keep, and what to you want to change or improve? Your posterity will appreciate the time you took to do this.