Family Relations

Friday, October 20, 2017

Preparing for Marriage

What do you want in a spouse?

When it comes to marriage, we try to marry people who have the same beliefs and values as we do. People who marry that are similar in social and demographic characteristics (like age, race, religion, values, education) are refereed to homogamy. When two people who marry that dissimilar in social and demographic characteristics, it is called heterogamy.

What attractions do you have to others? How do we get attracted to them?

A few ways we are attracted to others can be by their appearance, how they express themselves and their emotions, if they are happy, and getting to know them over time.

Attractiveness does change over time as we get to know each other. For example, say you see someone that looks physically attractive to you. You go on a date and get to know them a little more, and they don't have the same values as you do. Knowing what you do now could change how you view them.

When we share family and friends, our relationships will be much stronger. Why? Because our family and friends will support our relationship so that it lasts longer. Also, families give pressure when we choose our life partner. When we marry our spouse, we marry into their family as well. When choosing a future spouse, keep in mind that we need to love their family too.

When we go on dates, we need to have our eyes open. We cannot be waiting for our "Cinderella" story to happen, because there really is no perfect person to marry.

Don't think that if you marry the right person then you will have a happy marriage. We can find a right one, but not the one. Do not sit around waiting for someone to come find you, be proactive and see what there is to see. Look for someone that will help you to become a better person. When life gets though in marriage, don't think it has to fall apart because you aren't necessarily happy. Work through the problems together with your spouse, as a team. When we support and help each other, that will make a happy marriage. Just because we don't accept the "Cinderella" story does not mean to just marry anyone. Don't raise the bar for who you marry, and don't think, "He/she is out of my league."

So, what is the difference between dating and hanging out? When hanging out, that could mean making out to dropout. If you are just hanging out with each other, it could include a group of people. When in a group situation, it can feel like you are competing for the individual's attention. You don't get to open up much and get to know each other. Don't hang out! The definition of dating has changed so much, that we don't really know what it is, or what to expect. When we go on dates, it doesn't mean that we are going to marry the person. A date does not have to be expensive, you can put resources together to not have to really pay for much. Dating should be a step process, not a sliding from step-to-step process. When we are comfortable with people, then we tend to open up more. That makes it possible to know if you like the person as much as you think you do. Go on a variety of activities with people, then start to do more one-on-one to get to know the individual. Determine if marriage would work between the two of you. Don't date exclusively until you are ready for marriage.

I really like how we compared the following in class:

Men are to: preside, provide, and protect

Dates are to be: planned, paid for, and paired off

When a date is planned, that shows the male takes leadership. If your date isn't going to pay for you, how will he provide? When getting paired off, it is assuring that he will take responsibility for the girl.

How can a woman show her nurturing side when going on a date? We discussed in class that she can: listen, smile, make eye contact, and tell him you are having a fun time. The way women comment or react on a date can say a lot.
It doesn't always have to be the guy that asks the girl on a date though. It is hard to ask someone out on a date. So sometimes the girl needs to step up.

When you start to like someone more and more, don't spend every spare moment or hour together. We were told in class that we should go on two dates a week if you like each other. Enjoy the time you do have together and be satisfied with that.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Gender & Family Life

What I have learned and gained in insights this week has been amazing to me.

In our own families, we do things that are different from other families. Some families may put silverware facing up or down in the dishwasher. When we marry, we may have to adjust how we view and/or do certain things.

My cute nieces and nephews

What I thought was particularly interesting in this week's discussion was realizing that men are more task oriented than women, and how men use their sense of direction. Now women on the other hand use their memory; there was a study on this topic. A woman was put in a room alone, and she was left there for about three minutes. She didn't know that this was the experiment, but she looked around in the room, and touched a few things. She was taken into another room, and told to explain what she could remember from the room. She was very detailed in her descriptions, as to what and where they were located. Next, they put a man in the same room with the same objects. After his three minutes were up, he couldn't describe what he had seen. He referred to objects as "things" not giving them names.

When men give directions, they use street names, and are very good at using maps. Women, they will refer to buildings and what they recall from their memory. Can you relate to this example? Women have more connections in their bran, making them think of multiple things at once. I have noticed that women like to vent about how their day was, more than men. For men, it is harder to vent because once that "drawer" is shut in their mind, they don't want to recall that memory.

What makes one a female or a male? It is hard to define gender because society is always changing, but let's talk about it. What do you notice about boys and girls? In class, we discussed that girls are more expressive, passive, cooperative, nurture, and play/interact together socially. Boys are more aggressive, spacial oriented, stronger, protective, and competitive when they play. When you were 8-11 years old, who did you interact with? Well, if you are a girl, then you most likely wanted to please your peers that were girls. They were the ones you interacted with most, generally because as children we don't necessarily think about relationships with the opposite gender. The culture (or units of society) we grew up in has an impact on who we are. When we don't have a good relationship with our family members, we tend to turn to others.

Possible reasons that some people have same-sex attraction could be from the following. One might struggle with their self-esteem, be bullied, or have their gender identity wounded. They could be hungry for a father or mother. Maybe they got into pornography, or dragged into a situation and didn't know what to do. Really, all these people want is love. From the resources they have, their emotional and spiritual needs are not being met. If they are not getting the love and support they need from their family, they could possibly turn to their same-sex peers. Same-gender attraction people don't necessarily know why they have feelings for their peers of the same sex. Homosexuality is not just because of genetics. There have been studies on twins, and their genetics are 100% alike. You would think that if one twin identifies as gay, then the chance of the other one being identified as gay is high. That isn't necessarily the case. For those people who identify themselves as gay/lesbian, we should still love them for who they are.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Tradition & Culture

What traditions are in your family?

Where did those traditions come from?

Traditions are customs/beliefs that generally come from the generations before us. However, when we have our own families, we can begin our own traditions.

My family made it a tradition to have apple pancakes on special occasions. We put sour cream on pancakes swimming in apple cider syrup. Yes, it sounds weird with the sour cream, but they are scrumptiously divine! The time we eat these the most are when family comes home for Christmas. My sisters have taken this recipe and shared it with their friends and roommates from college.

Our society loves the hussel and bussel that Christmas brings every year. In my family, my father started a tradition that before we can open presents, we line up on the stairs youngest to oldest. Traditions are included in culture. What are some traditions that your family does during Christmas?

We also try to plan camping trips as a family. It doesn't happen every year, but we have made it a tradition to camp for a couple of days as a family. Along with camping, the menfolk plan pack trips. It is a tradition that they take their fishing poles and fish in beautiful clear lakes in the mountains. My father always hangs up the American flag on hand sawed tent poles made from the trees. One way to change this tradition is to have the women folk invited on these pack trips; it would give us true wilderness survival skills.

These traditions we have developed have brought out the best in our family. I mean, who doesn't like apple pancakes? There could be a few traditions that could be done away with or improved, but when we get into our own families, we can change that. I have pondered about my family's culture and traditions, and thought of the different things I want to keep and change for my own family.

The definition of culture is "a social domain that emphasizes the practices, and material expressions, which, over time, express the continuities and discontinuities of social meaning of a life held in common". Cultures help define who we are. Cultures can experience change fast over time, compared to tradition which usually doesn't change.

In my family culture, it is important to know how to cook, sew, can, and grow some of our own food. In today's world, some of these are a lost art. I think our ancestors were very wise, and they knew the value of these skills. In today's culture, everybody runs to the nearest drive-through when they are hungry. Their bodies pay the price, because their bodies are not exposed to the discipline to bend over and dig in the soil. Or stand over a pot and preserve what you have grown on a tree. Instead, our bodies are taking on a lot of impurities and are not fit. Hence, our bodies are not as healthy as our ancestors, because we live in a different culture of instant food, and entertainment instead of working hard in our families to make ends meet. In my own personal life, I value that I know how to pick up a needle and thread, or sit at a sewing machine, and make an article of clothing that is modest. Or darn a pair of socks so that I can make them last a little longer.

From my observations in class this week, I have appreciated my family life at home more. I am grateful for the values and beliefs that my parents taught me. I have brought those values and beliefs with me to college, and will teach them to my future family. Our family experiences could have been different if we had lived somewhere else, that had threats to our family and values.

So think of what you have learned in your culture. What do you want to keep, and what to you want to change or improve? Your posterity will appreciate the time you took to do this.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Theories & Boundaries in the Family

What exactly are theories and boundaries pertaining to the family?

There are five theories, and three main boundaries. By the time I explain them, you might see some in your own families.

Systems Theories are roles people play in the family. As a family, we should work together. If the mother is always putting all her effort into the family, then the family won't be working to its full potential. We can compare this to the parts of a car. Every part/tool plays a part in making the car work. If one piece is missing, then the car will not work. It is important that everyone gives their best efforts. Are you aware of the roles you play in the family?
Exchange Theories are getting as much as you can out of a situation. If a relationship consistently costs us more than it rewards us, we are likely to avoid the person or break the relationship.
Conflict Theories are when you use power to get influence. A child could be competing for attention from parents because they may feel that they aren't noticed.
Symbolic Interaction Theories can be non-verbal and verbal. Every action we make is symbolic; it influences how people interact with each other. Sometimes we misunderstand one another because we say one thing, but mean something totally different.

Theories alert you to look for certain things in intimate relationships and to understand them in particular ways.

There are three main boundaries used in the family.

Rigid Boundaries are when we exchange little information or warmth. It could be that a husband and wife aren't very close as they use to be.
Permeable/Clear Boundaries are exchanging information; the boundaries are open. I like comparing this boundary to a picket fence. We notice that there is as much space as there is fence. The pointy tips are to discourage people from "sitting on the fence". It's like saying, "You are welcome to come in, but not always."
Poor Diffuse Boundaries are easily violated. They are open, and can be unclear. When going places, try noticing how families sit together. Do the parents sit by each other? Are the children in the middle, or by each of the parents?

We need to see the family as a system; work as a team, not a herd of individuals.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Does It Really Matter How Many Children I Have?

Below are some insights I have gained from this weeks class, on why how many children you have matters. The picture below is of all my siblings, including me. Although this picture was taken over two years ago, it's the latest one of us all together. I thought you'd like to see a picture of my siblings for the topic I will be talking about.

Social media and other sources in today's world are telling us that having children is "outdated". Why do they say that? Some think that the world will become overpopulated, and there won't be enough food to feed everyone. Yes, having children can be financially difficult, but I believe that how many children you have does matter! Why do I believe this? The family is central to the Plan of Salvation; the Plan of Happiness, which was created for families. Growing up as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I was taught at a young age that the family is important.

Some of the advantages of growing up in a large family include the following from my experiences. I have learned to share with my older siblings, and their children. I've learned to sacrifice, so sometimes I have to go without certain things. I don't always get my way, so I've learned to respect and listen to other peoples views. Because I have a big family, I have many sources of feedback, which is very helpful. Honestly, the more the merrier I think haha!

I feel that knowing when to have children, and how many to have requires much thoughtful prayer with your spouse and Heavenly Father. Had it not been for the quiet whisperings of the spirit, I would not be in the family I am in today. After my parents had their sixth child (my older brother), they knew that they were not done having children. My parents were prayerful when having all their children. I will forever be grateful that my parents listened to the spirit, and choose to bring me into this world to gain a body and experience mortality. Because my parents chose to have me, it is going to affect their posterity in a positive way. Everyone's decisions on having children will affect their future posterity. Know that there are spirits in heaven waiting to be brought down to earth to gain a body.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Classmate Blog URLs

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Intro

My name is Deseret Crandall, yes "in our lovely Deseret", and I am a Freshman at Brigham Young University - Idaho. I am majoring in Family and Consumer Sciences Education, which I am super excited about! I am from Chesterfield, Idaho. I am the youngest of 7, three brothers and three sisters, and have 10 nieces and nephews.

I play the piano, guitar, and uke. I love being outdoors, camping, canoeing, swimming, and hiking. I also enjoy cooking, sewing, and having fun with family.

I love all the seasons of the year, and I especially love the smell of rain!

I am taking Family Relations, which is the purpose for this blog where I will be sharing what I learn in this class, insights, and more. Enjoy! :)