Divorce & Remarriage

Divorce is an individual decision that will affect your family for the rest of your lives. There are four phases of divorce: recognition, discussions, action, and post-dissolution. 

Recognition is when one spouse, or both, recognize and become aware of a serious problem. The spouses may start to feel dissatisfaction, and question their relationship.
Discussions are where one spouse or both, share their marital problems with one another. This gives them each the opportunity to redefine their relationship.
Action in when a lawyer is secured legally by one spouse to dissolve the marriage.
The last phase is post-dissolution, where both of the spouses accept the fact that the marriage has now ended.

When getting a divorce, there are six stations that occur. Emotional is loss of trust, respect, and affection for the other spouse. The legal part is where the court comes into play, and they bring an end to the marriage. The economic stage has never been easy, because there is the settlement of property. One spouse may feel he or she does not get all the belongings they wanted. With belongings come memories, and the loss of a certain item can be heart breaking. 

There are many reasons for divorce, and here are a few that are related to interpersonal factors. Couples may fight over everything causing conflict. The marriage may end because perhaps feelings and perspectives have changed. A lot of reasons come from complaints; alcohol/drugs, finances, emotional or physical abuse, lack of emotional support, lack of communication, and the number one cause of divorce is infidelity. The co-parental stage is when the parents decide who has custody, visitation rights, and continuing parental responsibilities. The community stage can be hard, because each partner, or just one, leaves their community of friends and relations entering into a new one. They may not be comfortable with the community anymore, because the community might take sides. The last stage is psychic, where the individuals accept the disruption of the relationship, and regain their sense of being an individual, instead of and intimate couple. Change brings feelings of loss and sadness to some degree. 

Divorce has effects on spouses, parents, and the children. For children, they may encounter eating problems and disorders, low self-esteem, physical and emotional health problems, fear about the future, loyalty conflicts, self-blame, and even anger. Divorce tends to be harder on males. When we think about it, in most divorces, children go live with the mother because she is the nurturer. Boys need a male role model in the home, specifically a father. 

The culture we grew up in plays a role into our marriages as well. If parents divorced, then the children may think it is an easy option to get out of problems too. However, that may not always be the case. We do not have to follow the trend of divorce, we can make the family work. 

"Such is the human journey: struggles, challenges, but just enough strawberries to make life worth living. "

When you get married, cleave unto your spouse. The man should not turn to his dude friends, and the woman should not turn to her mother. Do not build your family around the children, because you and your spouse come first. A mother and a father need to work together, then they are able to provide for their children's needs.  

Growing up, we leaned on our parents for support. Now going off on our own, we become independent. When we become independent we learn to fully lean on each other; trust. Because we are willing to lean on each other, we become stronger, and make it to the end. The picture to the right shows two people leaning on each other for support on this ropes course to make it across together. It can be scary at times, but the end result is worth it. 

This is my last blog post for this class. I just want to say how much I have enjoyed this class. I have learned so much, and there are things I have taken away that I am super excited to apply in my life right now, as well as for my future family. To those of you who have been reading my blog posts, I hope you were able to learn and grow. I hope that this information will help you right now, and in times when you need help. I am a firm believer in families, and I know that families are together forever. 

Parenting

All parents are different in their styles of parenting. Compromise might need to take place between parents to discuss matter, and to find common ground that both parents can share. Here is a link to a website that tests what parenting style you have; click here. This may be helpful in understanding how you parent your children. It can be useful and helpful in making those positive changes for you and your children. 

Parenting does not come with a script. The way we have been raised as children and teens plays a part in how we may teach our children. We need parents who children can approach and talk to. What is the purpose of parenting? We need parents who are going to raise a good society, strengthen relationships, educate children, put them in a learning environment, and to protect and prepare children to survive and to thrive in the world they will live in. 

Let's talk about problems. 

Who owns the problem?

 Who is the problem behavior directly affecting? 

Whose goals are being blocked? 

Does the problem involve health, safety, or family values? 

Is the problem one that you can reasonably expect your teen to solve? 

If the child owns the problem, natural consequences may need to take place. Natural consequences are not punishments. An example of a natural consequence could be your child sleeps in, which causes them to miss class, which then affects their grade. This example allows the child to learn from the consequences that follow, because parents are not always going to bail their children out. This child will soon learn that if they keep sleeping in, then their grade in that class will drop. There are three exceptions when it comes to natural consequences. If the natural consequence is too dangerous, too off in the future, and affects others.

If it is the parents own problem, there are three ways to approach a situation/problem. 1) The first is polite requests, because it gives children choices to choose from. Yet, make sure that you give children age and situation appropriate choices to choose from. Don't always walk into the room with your ninja sword in hand, because how you treat your children is how your children will treat you. 2) Use the "I" statement. Say your child keeps leaving his/her bike outside, and it's getting rusty from  weather conditions because it is not being put away in the shed. If polite requests are not getting you anywhere, this is where the "I" statement comes in. In any situation you say, "When you___I feel___because___. I would like___." In the bike situation you would say, "When you leave your bike out, I feel terrible because I did a lot of work to get you that bike for Christmas last year. I would like you to take care of your bike and put it away." This teaches children about natural consequences.  This approach focuses on the problem, and lets the parent tell the child how you feel. 3) Use a firmer statement. We do not want manipulation! We use the logical consequences to parallel them with logical consequences. With logical consequences, as the parent give your child "either, or", "when, then", "if, then", or "when, then" choices to choose from. These are not to be used as bribes, because they lead to a "what's in it for me" attitude. Logical consequences are for example, "Let's come up with a plan for the bike." You are teaching and giving your child a learning experience. Follow up on your children to make sure that agreements are being kept. 

Encourage your children, do not discourage and have negative expectations. Negative expectations can blow a child's self-esteem. Show confidence in your children. Have them build on their strengths, tell them what good they do. If we focus on the bad things, that is what will keep showing up. However,  if we focus on the good, then the good will keep showing up. Learn to value children and teenagers for who they are. As parents, we should stimulate independence by teaching them to do things themselves. Children need to be responsible, respond to problems, and know how to solve them. 

Even if you aren't a parent right now, this information can be very useful in preparing you for parenthood, and helping your children to the best of your abilities. I have enjoyed this week's lessons on parenting because it has shown me how my parents have taught me, and this helped me to know how I want to parent my children for the future. 

Value of Work

Working together as a family has the capability to transform lives, forge strong families, and build strong communities. I grew up on a ranch in south-eastern Idaho. I was taught at an early age to work hard as an individual, and as a family. As cattle ranchers, we move cattle from pasture to pasture down in the valley, or up on the mountain range. This has taught me to have good communication skills with those I am working with, because if we get mad at one another, that does not help with getting the cattle to where they need to go. It is important to know where we are moving the cattle, which is why communication is so vital. My family has grown stronger because we helped each other on the farm, and in the home; whether it was doing chores outside or inside the house. 

2006 Spring branding; 7 years old 

Little children can even contribute in small ways, like helping their mother with folding laundry, putting silverware away, or washing windows. I remember helping my mother clean the bathrooms in our home by washing the toilet bowls. I would also use our little playhouse dishes to wash and clean. 

This taught me the importance of keeping a house orderly and clean at a young age in my life, which I have now taken with me to college. My mother set a good example for me, and I look up to her for other areas in my life as well. 

Family work is humble work, and we come to recognize how blessed we really are. I have been blessed with a mother that taught me the importance of cleaning, and that in a spouse I want someone who is orderly and clean as well. 

It also helps us to learn to care for one another, and gives us opportunities to serve those we love. We learn to recognize the needs of others, and to put them before ourselves. As ranchers, we are constantly helping our neighbors with their spring brandings, or herding cattle. This has made our community closer. 

This Thanksgiving weekend, our family worked together on cutting firewood. We all had our different roles in helping, and we soon fell into place with what our job was. It took us about four hours to finish, but we finished we were glad it was done. Three of my nephews were getting on each others nerves at one point. My older sister took two of them aside and had a talk with them. They came back, and we all worked together happily. Working as a family helps us to solve problems, and to get a long. 

Cutting wood 2017 

Working together as a family links us one to another, and links us to God. John Demos said,

"God gave us family work as a link to one another, as a link to Him, as a stepping stone toward salvation that is always available and that has the power to transform us spiritually as we transform others physically. This daily work of feeding and clothing and sheltering each other is perhaps the only opportunity all humanity has in common. Whatever the world takes from us, it cannot take away the daily maintenance needed for survival. Whether we find ourselves in wealth, poverty, or struggling as most of us do in day-to-day mediocrity, we need to be fed, to be clothed, to be sheltered, to be clean. And so does our neighbor." 

When we serve other people, we are serving God. 

Working as a family links people together. We are given opportunities to recognize and fill the needs of those who surround us when we are doing tasks. Think of what good can come from a father talking with his daughter while weeding a garden. He could be listening to her and know the needs that she needs met. Something as simple as that can forge a strong relationship. 

I can testify that working together as a family has made me a better individual, forge a stronger family, and a stronger community. 

Communication & Mutual Problem Solving

Communication is the use of language and nonverbal sign to create a shared meaning between two or more people. When we communicate, we are drawing upon what we already now. We place the pieces together from past experiences and familiar situations that we have been in. We are always communicating, either by our words, lack of words, or our expressions. The way others interpret these things say a lot about our feelings, mood, and possibly even relationships. The words we use are only one part of communication, the other part is non-verbal. 

Some non-verbal cues that we do as individuals include the way we dress, our facial expressions, eye behavior, touching, and our tone of voice. We can draw a lot from the tone of a person's voice. Our tones go a long way when sending a message. However, when we text, we don't usually send our texts in full sentences. Yes, we have emoji's, but the receiver can be getting a different message from the text message. Miscommunication happens all the time with texting because we are not able to draw upon any tone. 

We can also misinterpret people by the way they talk, their tone, and non-verbal expressions. Our communication comes in 7% words, 38% tone, and 55% non-verbal. When we communicate to others face to face, our body language, feelings, and tone of voice speak more loudly that when we use words. Listen to your own words to give a clear message, and keep modifying your words until you get your message across.

Gender also affects our interpretations, because as males and females, we can take non-verbal cues differently. Females tend to smile more then males. Smiling is a females way of acknowledging a presence of someone. When males see females smiling at them, they can take it that the female finds him attractive. Women are more sensitive to non-verbal cues, and are more likely to recall them rather than men. With this said, women understand men more than men understand women. But, when we are closer to another person, we're more likely to interpret them better than we would a stranger.

Here is a visual of what sending and receiving a message looks like. Senders may be uncertain of their ideas or feelings. The feelings we intend to communicate may and may not be interpreted the way we want them by the person receiving the message sent. 

We can be confident, but not competent when communicating. What would help us to be better communicators? We can learn and identify our own thoughts, feelings, and words. It is really hard for someone to understand what you are trying to get across when even you don't understand yourself. However, that doesn't mean to just point out yours and other people's problems. I like to put Heavenly Father in on this one. Are you glad that Heavenly Father (God) doesn't point out your problems? He is so patient! He knows we are not perfect, but He does see a lot of potential in us. As individuals, we can be hard on ourselves. Rather, let us focus on the positive things; let people see the good that they do. Point out what you like and appreciate about people. Complementing gives a relationship better appreciation.

Now what about listening? Listening is a powerful tool. There are ways that we can improve our listening skills right now, so let's apply them. 

Look at the person speaking and concentrate on what they are saying, and also watch for non-verbal cues. Resist the temptation of distractions around yourself; noise, internal and external. Internal noise is in our mind. It is when we have multiple things running through our minds that we cannot focus on what is being said. For example, hold your breath for 30 seconds while you're in class listening to a lecture. Well, surprisingly you'll find that you will end up thinking about how you really need a breath. External noise comes from the outer environment such as the sun, and noise around us. 

Control your emotions and do not interrupt until they are done talking. Listen to understand. Hold onto your view long enough to see from where they are coming. It isn't about agreeing or disagreeing, it is all about listening and coming from their point of view, because we all want to be understood. 

Ralph Roughton said, "When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done what I have asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem. Listen! All I ask is that you listen; not talk or do - just hear me."

We can ask questions (after they are done talking) and rephrase to clarify the meaning you are getting from them. Summarize their thoughts.

Autobiographical responses are big obstacles because we like to respond from our own suggestions. We like to advise, probe, interpret, and evaluate. These things can be appropriate when our emotional bank accounts are full, emotion is low, and no tension. The speaker may not be ready to talk about everything. When our emotions are high, we say things that we don't mean.

Now, we practice, practice, practice. Do it every day and you will see progress. 

In a couple setting, nurture each other's dreams one step at a time. Find a dream together.  

To have a satisfying marriage, there needs to be satisfied communication; although it isn't guaranteed. Couples who are satisfied talk about their families and marriage. They talk and discuss their goals and dreams for their future. 

Conflict can have positive and negative consequences on a marriage. It allows one to grow, and increases our awareness of how to become better as individuals. When handling small conflicts, we can then handle larger ones. Once we start to ignore problems, it begins to build up. Learn to forgive one another. Forgiving diminishes anger, depression, and anxiety. Rather than letting it build up, speak your feelings honestly. Don't give the silent treatment. We can never not communicate, and avoiding confronting the problem does not solve anything. Not speaking speaks volumes itself. 

In relationships, do not attack your spouse (or loved one), rather, attack the problem. Don't say, "You are a problem" say, "We have a problem". Keep loving even when there is a fight. So, when there are fights, remember the things you love about your spouse because we want a win-win situation.

To communicate effectively, we must first understand each other. When we do, we gain clarity on issues that are real, and solve problems faster. 

The Family Under Stress

What is the difference between stress and crisis? 

Stress is a type of strain or tension. I like to use the example of a bridge and compare it to stress. A bridge uses strain to stay together. A bridge stays together because it balances the force equally. Stress is not always bad, it can actually be very beneficial. Stress can help give us the push we need to be motivated. Don't let stress bother you; instead, let it strengthen you! We can then relate this bridge to our families. Stress is harder on families internally. The reason being is that feelings come from within us, which determines our body's ability to respond and deal with outside forces. We cannot control all of the things that go on in our lives. However, we can control how we respond to them and define them. 

Perception is our way out of stress; we alter what we think about the situation we are in so we know what is happening. Sometimes how we deal with our experiences can lead to pileup, which can play a part in the next stressor event in our lives. 

Here is a 15 minuet Ted Talk by Kelly McGonigal that we all would benefit from watching to make stress our friend. How we define stress determines whether it is positive or negative. Instead of getting rid of stress, let's get better at dealing with it. Stress makes us social, because the hormone oxytocin urges us to talk to people about how we feel instead of keeping it inside of us. We can handle the challenges that await us in our lives, and we don't have to do it alone. 

Now crisis brings change and sometimes loss, but it brings opportunity with it. When I was two years old, I was climbing on a high chair in my home, and fell breaking my elbow. The closest hospital was one hour away. When we arrived at the hospital, the doctors thought that my parents had abused me. Doctors at hospitals take their clients seriously, especially when they are babies and children. The opportunity that came to me with this crisis was that my father gave me a priesthood blessing. I have more compassion for children and babies that do go into the emergency room because they were being abused. The doctors look out for those who have been abused, so they treat all their patients like that.

Sometimes, crisis is critically needed. Opportunity and danger make up crisis, because where there is risk, there is also opportunity. When we experience crisis, it could be helping us to be effective for the next time something similar happens. 

There are ineffective and effective patterns of coping with internal and external demands. 

Ineffective patterns include the following: 

Denial: when we refuse or reject reality or face a fact. We need to openly admit when there is a problem occurring.

Avoidance: when we avoid confronting and dealing with a stressor. 

Scapegoating: where we focus on uncalled-for levels of aggression and frustration and blame others. 

Effective patterns of coping include the following:

Take responsibility for yourself and your family. Believe in yourself, and your ability to deal with difficult situations. We need to balance self-concern with other-concern, which means not thinking of yourself always. Re-define the meaning of something, which is changing how you look at a certain situation. We can find available resources, such as internal and external. Effective coping means that an individual will achieve a new level of maturity, and the family will attain a new level of intimacy. 

If we do not address our problems, including in our families, then the family system goes down. Let us open up our boundaries when talking about problems. Do not let problems get in the way of your family. Bond with them, and rely on them.  Create that healthy family relationship that you can achieve. 

To close, why do bad things happen to good people? I don't always think that certain things happen by coincidence. I think that it is God helping to prepare us for our future, to be a strength to our families and friends. With God's help, our outcomes can be different. 

Sexual Intimacy & Family Life

What is infidelity? It is just the opposite of faithfulness. We should love our spouses with all of our hearts. We need to be devoted to them when deciding to marry them. There are four types of affairs. 

1. Fantasy Affair - (emotional/detached) This is when we let our thoughts wander. The thoughts we have can lead to our actions. Sometimes, an attached affair can lead to a detached affair. Infidelity starts with a thought, not with adultery. Anything that is a "fantasy" can lead to more serious affairs. 
2. Visual Affair/Pornography - (detached/physical) We should not lust after another person. We need to be careful to not let our eyes wander. 
3. Romantic Affair - (emotional/attached) This is when an individual becomes emotional involved with another person that is not his or her spouse. Do not believe the lies that tell us an ordinary marriage is boring. Not all marriages are going to be Shakespearean love stories. This type of affair will allow us to believe that we can escape the challenges of everyday life, which in reality is not possible because life does eventually catch back up with us. 
4. Sexual Affair - (physical/attached) A sexual affair is when a person is engaged in a sexual affair that is not within the bounds of marriage. Infidelity does not bring one happiness, in return it will bring sourness, anger, and jealousy. 

How do we prevent affairs? 

 1) Being on guard. Have you set boundaries for yourself? Where do you set the line? There is a story of a man who had a daughter that he loved very much; in fact, she was most precious to him. He sent her away on a wagon, and he needed the best driver to get her to the destination safely. There were three drivers that had to prove they were the best pick. The first driver was so good that he was able to drive with the wheels on the edge of the cliff. The second driver was even better and able to drive the wagon with the wheels wobbling along the edge! Well, the third driver drove the wagon as far away from the edge as possible. Who do you think was the best driver? Obviously, driver number three. Why? Because he set his "boundaries" as far from the cliff as possible. He knew that the fathers' daughter was most precious to him. Like driver number three, we need to not only to set our boundaries, but to stay far from the edge. 

2) Being fiercely loyal. When a married individual is not with their spouse, but with another individual of the opposite gender, it can often lead to temptation that leads them to be disloyal to their spouse. For example, are you going to travel in the car with your co-worker of the opposite gender? Why should you not? You could be riding together on a regular basis, which gives you the time to share your own thoughts and feelings with one another about certain things. Our intimate thoughts and feelings should be private conversations between ones spouse. 

3) Controlling our thoughts. When we are faithful to our spouses, we do not let our eyes and thoughts wander. Put your spouse first; give them your time and attention. 

Trust Bank Account

When couples go into a marriage, they enter that marriage with their "bank account" full of trust. If an affair takes place, then it may take time to add deposits since there have been withdrawals. Deposits build and repair relationships, while withdrawals break down and lessen the trust. We make withdrawals when we break promises, are proud or arrogant, give no feedback, hold grudges, and make assumptions to understand. We make deposits when we understand your spouse, keep promises, apologize, forgive, give feedback, set clear expectations, and show kindness and respect. To make up for one withdrawal, we must make five deposits. 

How & What to Teach Children

Don't rely on what the school is going to teach your children about sex. Sit down with your spouse and come up with a plan. Your children will probably be subjected to things you as children were never exposed to. Yes, it can be difficult for children to make sense of everything you tell them. With that said, don't give them all the information they need to know at once. Talk with your spouse about when it is right to tell them. Start young, and build it up as they get older. I feel a lot of the time that adults tell children, "No, no, no, no, no... yes." Sex is not a bad thing, it is a wonderful act of love when done within marriage. Know what you need to tell your children at the right times. Help them to understand why is it good, and why it can be bad. I would also like to add when your child has a question be honest with them, and don't tip toe around the topic. 

I hope this weeks blog was useful, and maybe you can improve certain things that are needed to be worked on. I am not a professional on this subject, but I hope you received some insights from what I have learned. 

Transitions into Marriage

What are some reasons that couples cohabitate? They consider it the next step before marriage, and as a marriage replacement. When cohabiting, you do not share: money, your family, your name, and there is no commitment. Men and women see cohabiting differently. Women see it as the next step before marriage. Men take it as the next step instead of going into marriage; a marriage replacement.

When we love someone, sometimes we spend as much time together as possible. What happens when we are young is we are dependent on our family for a lot things, such as making decisions. We grow up and go off on our own into the world and become independent. We start to make decisions for ourselves. Then, we get in a relationship and become interdependent working together. We should learn to not always rely on our families, we can do this, which in turn helps our future relationships.

If you are married, do you and your spouse have separate finances? If you do have separate finances, this could lead to separation of each other. There are different types of couples. Which do you see in your relationship?

            Devitalized: thinking about separation or divorce

            Financially Focused: agree on how to manage money

            Conflicted: unhappy about communication patterns and how they deal with conflict, but are satisfied with leisure activities and parenting of children.

            Traditional: strong in relationship with family and friends, but dissatisfied with communication patterns and sexual relationship

            Balanced: satisfied with activities, sex, children, and communication; yet have financial problems

            Vitalized: couple works through problems together

When you marry your spouse, you do not just marry the individual; you marry into their family as well. Is their family atmosphere positive, negative, or even stressful? In a marriage, we all have roles, rules, and expectations for the life you will live together, and even for your spouse. What are some adjustments that you and your spouse will have within the first month of being married to each other? Perhaps sharing a bed; maybe you like having your distance, or you don’t like to cuddle. How about a bathroom? And what about money? Growing up in our individual families, rules were made, we all played roles, and our parents had expectations. It is just the culture we grew up in, and all families have different cultures.

Before marriage, figure out the roles, rules, and expectations that you want your family to have. 

In some families, marital satisfaction goes down with every child that is born. The marital satisfaction levels out, then after the last child leaves home, it goes back up. Why is that? Well, sometimes the husband can start feeling that he is useless because the wife is tending to the child most of the time. The work load of the wife goes up 64%, and the husbands load goes up 37%. Even both of the spouse experience stress from the new events happening. So how can we avoid these problems? As a couple, assure that you love each other. If your marriage is having difficulties, look back on how you and your spouse fell in love. If you are the wife, look for opportunities to involve the husband with the baby before and after the infant is born. Express your gratitude to your spouse for all that he/she is doing. 

My wonderful parents 

Now marriage satisfaction does not have to go down. I talked with my mother on the matter of this subject. She said, "Dad and I are happy campers. We gave 100% to all seven children (we were not perfect parents, but we did our best). We are enjoying being empty nesters, and we are continually learning to be better than the day before. Like all marriages, it takes effort, work, sacrifice, and charity to have a healthy marriage relationship. You of course see the best in us, and sadly sometimes see us when we need to do better. With all you children gone, we have less contention in the house. Life is pretty easy and peaceful. We really enjoy our time together these days." 

When my mother was in high school, her parents divorced; so when she got married, she knew what she wanted in a marriage. Her and my father talked about the rules, roles, and expectations they want in their family. 

Know that you can make a marriage work, and have a good relationship with your family. From the example my parents have been to me, I know that I can make my future family work. I am so excited to apply what I am learning from this class to my future family.